Appearances can be deceptive

I feel like I’ve written about this before. Anyway, I hope people can bear with me while I write some more about it. I was talking to some friends the other day, and I told them that I had had a hard day, and that I spent most of the day annoyed at various things. They looked at me, and expressed surprise. “But it didn’t look like you were annoyed.”

I think I’ve gotten very good at hiding the things I’m feeling, and the thoughts I have. I can hide pain, I can hide sorrow, I can hide anger, I can hide doubt, and I can hide a bunch of things if I work at it. At the same time, I know that some people look at me and see someone good,  because I know I look at some people, and see them as saints, too. But we can’t really play that game with God. For God, the disguises we put on to cover our sins don’t really work. It’s kind of crazy, when I think about it. When He looks at me, He can see everything on the outside, but He can see everything on the inside, too, at that same instant. It’s not like He has to work to do that, either, as if He has to work to pierce through the fig leaves we use to cover ourselves. He just sees it, which explains why Jesus called out the Pharisees a lot. This is why he said that thinking lustful thoughts was like committing adultery with someone. We’re shocked when we hear this, or we should be, but if we could see into people like God could, then we wouldn’t be as shocked. I’ve learned this year that I am not as patient as I think I am, and that I can be vindictive, too. There were lots of times where I had to let go of rage and anger, and focus on God, and then pray, knowing that if I held onto that anger, nothing good would come out of it. Love comes naturally to me when people love me, but when someone hurts me, it’s a lot harder for me to forgive. In the end, pride is a lie, a lie that tells you that you’re good and you’re fine, when God can see all the problems you have.

But even through all that, I struggle. I know now that everyone has the same need for God. There is no people group, no community, and no person that needs God more than anyone else. And I know also that God shows us all this, not to beat us up, but to help us rely on Him, to help us trust in Him, and to help us repent. But I think it’s also a reminder for me, because I know that the people closest to me in my life know I’m a Christian. But if I’m not careful, it just becomes another part of my identity. My friends back home, for example, might know I’m a Christian, because I go to church, or something. They might know me as a New Yorker, born in Hong Kong, going to school in Tufts, studying International Relations, and is coincidentally Christian. But God is so much deeper than that. He’s everything to me, and I have to understand that while people unfortunately can’t look past appearances, God does. And what makes me His isn’t the fact that I am able to spit a few phrases out, or memorize scripture. It’s the heart that matters more to God, no matter how polished we can look outside.

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