About Hope – KRUP 2012

I want to write down everything that happened on KRUP before I forget. It’s kind of been a long journey; the person I was freshmen year isn’t the same person senior year, and I see so many things differently. I’ve seen the pain in New Orleans, in people, in the community, and in the neighborhoods we lived in. I learned over the summer about us, as people, how we can enter into a place to serve, without realizing our own need for healing. For me, I’ve realized that I let the weight of all the problems overwhelm me. Whenever I saw issues clearly, I forgot about how big God was, and I let those issues overwhelm me. There’s a passage from the Cross and the Switchblade that comes to mind now, when Pastor Wilkerson meets with his grandfather about what he was doing in New York. The grandfather tells him, I’m afraid for you. You’re going to see a lot of things down there that you’ve never seen before, things that are really ugly. But wait until you see the transformation that can happen in people, like a snake shedding its skin. For me, I’m learning a little more that there is hope, precisely because God can take any situation and transform it. If we stare at the problem too long, we forget this, because we’re so small. But if we look at it from God’s eyes, we have hope, hope that God is so good, any interaction with Him can change any situation.

One really cool experience to see was this church service on Sunday at Bethel Colony church. Many of the people who attended that church were ex-drug addicts, or were in the middle of drug addiction treatment programs, but the main thing I remembered was how the service was conducted. Someone called it “raw”, but I think the real term was desperation. The service was real, and the worship was real. The people needed Jesus, and they were glad to be there at 8 am in the morning. They offered up prayers for their children, and were not afraid to go to God to share those concerns. I think I was humbled by that, because I knew that I was supposed to live each day, desperate for God, hungering for Him, but I did not live life like that. Could I genuinely say, God, I want you more than anything else in this world, and if I don’t get You, I won’t be satisfied? The service itself was interesting. It wasn’t perfect, with the type of great music and instruments, and dignified services we see at home. But I was comfortable there, and enjoyed it, because it was sincere. When I think about how desperate the people who always went to Jesus for healing were, I can never understand how desperate they must have been, to beg for Jesus’ help, to put their hope in Jesus. When I hear about Jesus preaching that blessed are the hungry, for they will be satisfied, I don’t think I can really understand, because I have never been put in that place, where I am starving, and the only thing on my mind is a bite to eat. But sitting there, it reminded me about how much I need God, how much I need to seek Him.

I also heard an amazing story from one of the pastors in the neighborhood, Pastor Burnside. Pastor Burnside wanted to hold an event for the youth in the neighborhood, and preparing for it was one of the coolest things we did on the trip. Pastor Burnside has a cool story himself, about how God redeemed him, but I remember walking around the neighborhood, telling people about the event. I would tell people, I’m with Pastor Burnside, and they would all know who I was talking about. His church had a presence in his community. One time, as we were working on setting up huge tents in the lot we were going to be holding the event in (props to Larry, Joe and Nathan…the man crew), Pastor Burnside told us how the church got the property for the event. He told us that about one to two years ago, there were a lot of crimes taking place in the area, from murders, to drug deals, and all this stuff. So he felt that God was telling him to try and solve that problem. So Pastor Burnside gathered pastors from around the city, and started praying the area for six months at 7 am in the morning. In the second month of those six months of prayer walking, someone from the police brought Pastor Burnside in, and told him that that month, there had been zero murders committed. Someone in the neighborhood saw what Pastor Burnside had done every day, and because of that, gave him the property right next to the lot we held our youth outreach on.

As I look back on these past four years of KRUP, I’m very grateful for the opportunity to serve New Orleans, and for the ways I’ve grown, and seen people grow. I’ve always enjoyed the opportunities to hear stories on this trip, and to make friends that I would have never made before. I’ve loved meeting people in the community, and spending time with friends, and I’ve loved eating the food, and just spending time doing work with my hands. God has taught me how to love more, and to see more like He does, and I am grateful for how He has changed me in this process, even as He changes New Orleans. God, thank you for what You have done. Teach me how to hope, teach how to love, teach me how to live by faith.

OneThing 2011 – Mike Bickle Talk Notes – The Bridegroom God

Revelation 19

• God is love. It’s not something He does. It’s who He is. He is relational, and wants to be deeply involved with us in partnership forever.
• We can only understand God’s purposes, when we understand who He is.
• We think of Jesus as a great king, but sometimes we think of Him as distant. We think His main interest is to save us so we will worship Him.
• He’s looking for something more than affirmation and a free workforce.
• The bridegroom message is about Jesus’ emotions for us. It’s about His commitment to us. It also involves our radical commitment back to Him.
• Old Testament – Israel understood Messiah was a king, with power. However, Isaiah said He’s more than a King with power. He’s a bridegroom who wants relationship. He wants to rule with you. Hosea, his contemporary, also got this message. Israel didn’t get this. How could God stoop so low?
• Jesus opens His heart, and shares with us. This is not sensual or romantic.
• When a King gives an order, He does not want conversation. As a bridegroom, He wants conversation. As a King, He rules over us. As a bridegroom, He rules with us. As a King, He wants obedience. As a bridegroom, He wants loyal love (Loyal love is expressed by obedience). As a King, He receives worship. As a bridegroom, He is moved by worship.
• After Revelation 17-18, Revelation 19:1, 7 = bride. They agree with Jesus with rejoicing on her wedding day. For the first time, all of God’s people agree with Jesus’ leadership over the nations. People usually get offended over His judgments. But in this instance, everyone is now in agreement. We can’t grow in love if we’re offended at Jesus’ leadership.
• People now know that His judgments have brought about salvation, glory, love, honor and power to God, not the opposite.
• Two main sins of the harlot religion: corruption of world, and oppression of the saints. Both related to attacking bride’s love for Jesus. As you engage in immorality, love for Jesus decreases.
• When the saints come in agreement with Jesus, they function as His inheritance.
• Verse 6: voice of many waters, and thunders = supposed to be God, but in this instance, it’s the voice of the bride. We will have the authority of God, and sound like God.
• No shame, no fear, full confidence, face-to-face with God. Everybody will be God-centered. Jesus will be main thing on their heart. He will be their magnificent obsession.
• Revelation 19:7 – Bride made herself ready. There’s a cooperation in grace of God. God provides inspiration, power, forgiveness, etc. We must respond. Emphasis is that she wanted to respond.
• Revelation 19:8 – There will be other garments given to people, based on the way you loved Him on this Earth (for the righteous acts the saints did now). It will be a response to how He feels about the way you loved Him in this age. It’s not about boasting in front of other believers. It’s not about superiority.
• 2 places where Jesus reveals Himself in most detail: Revelation 1 and Revelation 19. John must have seen so much more undoubtedly.
• Jesus of Armageddon wages war to bring peace to all the Earth.
• Why is this day so violent? Nations will be blaspheming God violently. Light will get lighter, dark will get darker as time goes on. So church will rise, as darkness rises.
• No one knows day or hour of this. Occult will explode, immorality will rise.
• If you go back to Old Testament, you can insight into Revelation 19. Psalm 45…Hebrews 1, the Father is speaking behind the Psalmist, to the Son. Psalm 45:3, Jesus told to gird on his sword, get ready for battle. Devil is going to try to take out Jews.
• Christians don’t understand the Israel connection. Israel storyline related to Jesus’ return is a very important part of Jesus’ return.
• 12 aspects of Jesus’ triumphal entry into Jerusalem. 8 of these aspects are in verse 11-16, describing Jesus as king of kings. He’s on a white horse, which means military context. The next thing we see, five different actions that the Holy Spirit highlights: judges the nations, makes war, strike nation with sword, rule nation with rod, and treads winepress of wrath of God (Isaiah 63)
• 4 activities to the final battle itself: gathers all the birds together. The birds are the clean-up strategy. All of creation is under His command; He’s going to gather the kings of the Earth together. The devil first gathers the kings to exterminate the Jews. Jesus gathers them together to gather all the kings together in one place, to exterminate them, in order to replace all the governments of the Earth. Blood will flow four feet deep throughout the land;
• In Revelation 19, you don’t know that He’s outside Jerusalem. When you put it with rest of Bible, He’s outside Jerusalem, marching in. Isaiah 63:1 – Edom, ancient name for Jordan, which is next door to Israel. Habakkuk 3 describes this, too. Isaiah 63:2 – Treading in the winepress. They would harvest all the grapes, bring them in. They would put all the grapes and put them in 2-3 feet deep in the wine vat. Then the workers would step into big area, and stomp on the grapes, and smash them. In the time of Israel’s harvest, the grape juice would get all over them. Isaiah is confused that a King would have grape juice all over Him.
• Jesus’ answer: It’s not grape juice. Isaiah is 700 years before Jesus’ incarnation. In Revelation 19, John quotes Isaiah twice. Revelation 14:20 – the wine vat geographically. Jesus executes all the leaders then. Psalm 110 talks about this.
• Students: We mandate you to challenge us. If you can’t see it with your eyes, in your bibles, then don’t say it (I think we should do this).

 

 

OneThing 2011 Mike Bickle talk notes – The Humility of God

• Matthew chapter 11:29 – the only way Jesus described himself was humble
• John 13:5- you won’t understand what I’m doing now, but you’ll get it later. We need to work hard to make sense of humility.
• You will be more glorious, and like me, and have more fellowship with me, if you grow in humility.
• God’s core identity is love and humility. Power is not his core identity. Power demonstrates his love, humility, and righteousness.
• Knelt before broken men, and washed their dirty feet. It’s not hard for God to kneel. Shocks our sensibilities.
• If He kneels to serve us, it doesn’t diminish His glory, it expresses his glory.
• Man’s humility is based on his weakness. God’s humility is based on his greatness.
• Peter was offended by God kneeling to wash his feet. Jesus did not become humble. He was always humble.
• Jesus invites us into that fellowship with Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, which relates to each other in love, humility, wisdom and glory. This is for now.
• The more we understand His humility, the more we understand His heart. We’re never gonna figure it out completely now, but it’ll take eternity to do so.
• When you understand Jesus this way, you have more admiration, confidence, trust, gratitude and love for Him. You understand that He’s so easy to relate to, because He’s so kind, and humble. It should be the opposite. When you meet someone in this life, and he’s exceptional, you might feel intimidated. They would tend to be impatient with our lack of understanding. Because of Jesus’ humility, He even enjoys relating to us.
• Do you know the way you move God? You move Him, not because you’re so brilliant, but because He’s so humble, kind and loving. The more you know Him, the more bold you are drawing near to Him.
• Matthew 20:28 – Son of Man (Daniel 7:13-14), explains His role, but also explains how He’s a servant
• Psalm 45- about the beauty of the Messiah. Psalm 45:4 – there will not be any pride in Him, but He will do it from humility, and for humility. He will fill the Earth with humility
• Luke 12:37 – about Jesus relating to His servants. When Jesus comes again, He will serve us. Rule of the kingdom: The greatest will be the servant. Jesus is the greatest. That’s why He is a servant.
• For billions of years we will be with this man. FOREVER! Even if we don’t get wealth, health, etc. in this life, we will have it forever. This life is a minute.
• God was always the same. We just gain new insight into Him now, through the Holy Spirit.
•  The greatest expression of His humility was when He became human. Jesus could have decided anytime to stop living as a human, but He decided to keep living as a man under the anointing
• Philippians 2:6 – did not consider his godhood something to be grasped. 2:7- made himself of no reputation, laid aside his right to be understood and honored as He observed. He didn’t live free from rejection, humility, and pain. Why should Jesus ever be rejected, hungry, or humiliated? Every single person who ever met Jesus underestimated Him. In denying Himself, He did not deny His true identity. He was being true to Himself, because His core identity is humility. We don’t do this very well.
• 60 years after seeing Jesus, John sees Him again and falls down (Revelation 1). Jesus probably thought to Himself, “John, I’m the same. It’s not new. I’ve always been like this.”
• Jesus was content to be seen as ordinary. Lots of people want to be seen as special, but don’t know how special they are to Him already. Isaiah 53 – He had no status, special attractiveness, did not stick out.
• Only 120 followers after Jesus raised Himself. People would have told Him He did it wrong. What if we had a billion dollars, and what if you never spent any of it on yourself, and never told anyone about it? Jesus didn’t want people to treat Him differently. Jesus did this for thirty years before His ministry, and nobody understood.
• Jesus did not deny the truth about God by being a humble servant. He expressed the truth about God. He was as humble now in the resurrection, as He was before.
• His humility is seen in His relational style. Gracious, slow to anger, abounding in goodness…etc. Does not get annoyed with us, even though He knows so much, and we know so little.
• Jesus cares so much about us, because of His love and humility. Part of the joy set before Him at the cross was the thought of us being with Him forever. Revelation 3:21. He wants us to reign with Him.
• If Jesus’ core identity was power, incarnation as a human would have been a denial of Himself. Revelation 4:3- John saw the Son next to the Father. Hebrews 1: Whatever is true of the Father’s glory is true of the Son’s glory. Jesus has that same glory but He didn’t come to Earth to show us how powerful He was. His miracle ministry only displayed a minuscule amount of His power. Jesus had to say “Lazarus, come forth,” because if He said, “Come forth,” everyone would have come back.
• He wants us to walk in humility with Him forever. We want power, He wants us to have humility. With humility, you can interact with Him in a deep way forever. He had to walk in humility to have relationship with us.
• In Western culture, little and humble is negative. His plan is not to have robots with resurrected bodies. We will be free-will lovers of God who choose humility forever. He doesn’t want robotic obedience. He wants voluntary humility, people who will join with Him to rule the Earth in relationship.
• If Jesus only used power and miracles to transform nations. When He used power to deliver Israel from Egypt, they worshiped Him for a while, and then rebelled. Power is not strong enough to transform nations forever. Jesus has a master plan to change the nations through humility and love
• “Why doesn’t God speak more to me? Why doesn’t God show more power?” Part of the answer…God’s humility is part of the message. His restraint and His humility is part of the message. God listens more than He speaks. He waits to be invited by our love and obedience. This is the Man we love, this is the Man who loves us.

Thoughts: I appreciate this message a lot, because it unlocks more of who God is, and helps us connect to God more. When I think of IHOP (and maybe this is just me, because I don’t know IHOP very well), I think of the supernatural. I was reminded of the best man preparing the bride for the bridegroom’s coming as I heard this message.

OneThing 2011 Shelley Hundley talk notes – Jesus as the righteous judge

Note: Be discerning as you read this. These are notes, not thoughts. Shelleyhundley.com

• Suffering that is in vain is one of the worst experiences we can have. If suffering has no point, then it’s just another level of torment. But if there’s a storyline, then it is bearable.
• Missionaries working in the front lines with sex trafficking, war, etc, burn out quickly, because they get overtaken by hopelessness and numbness. They forget the story.
• Hundley’s story: grew up in Colombia in a missionary school, at a time with drug cartel trafficking problem, and a marxist guerilla revolution army. When she was young, these two groups joined forces. Still massively persecuting Christians today. Grew up surrounded by poverty, with five or six year old friends who were professional thieves. Would sneak food out of the house to the little kids in the neighborhood. At that time, Marxist guerillas would go into churches, and gun down people who refused to renounce Jesus. Grew up in a bad environment, but there was something that brought her even greater fear.
• Sexual abuse from a minister on the mission field starting age 3-4. Biggest terror was shame, fear, and terror from next episode of sexual abuse.
• Affected her relationship with Jesus. Eventually became a raging atheist on a Christian college. William Booth’s recipe for revival: find hardest heart, get them to God: revival. A group of students followed this advice, and began to target her as hardest heart. Was very hard to evangelize to. Made people cry when they tried to talk to her. Became depressed, hospitalized for attempted suicide twice. Put under suicide watch, placed in padded rooms. Even shoelaces taken away.
• In that padded room, got really angry. Started screaming at everyone who had wronged her, including God. Finally, realized how bad she was, and realized even God couldn’t help her.
• Prayer: “If you do 2 things, I won’t kill myself. 1: Show me that you’re real. 2: Show me you can do something about this pain”
• Exodus 2:23-24: Israelites enslaved. Their cry came up to God. Every cry goes somewhere. Even though it seems like nothing happened, God did hear. God hears every cry. Do you guys know who Jesus is, as the righteous judge? Do you know the One that will make the wrong things right? God didn’t just hear the cries of the Israelites, he sent Moses.
• There’s a lie that people believe that says that God doesn’t hear or see.
• How could someone who believed in Jesus and preached the gospel do this to Shelley? This is the state of pulpits around the world — people are broken. It’s important for people to live out the Word they preach.
• Issue of dignity, forgiveness, and restoration. How can Shelley live this out? She wants to forgive, but can’t. One time while she was praying, Mike Bickle said, if you want to get a new revelation from God in the bible, meditate on that verse, word from the bible. Mind —- > Mouth — > Heart. Mouth is praying that truth back to God, speaking it to others. Many read the bible, but don’t pray the bible back to God. If you put it in your mind, and put it your mouth, God will put it in your heart.
• Most powerful revelation of her life from this: Holy Spirit whispered to her, you need a judge. Initially she thought it was Satan bringing judgment on her. Then Holy Spirit clarified, you need to know Jesus as judge. Holy Spirit’s main job is to glorify Jesus, and make him known. Went to Isaiah 63:4. Isaiah 63 talks about Isaiah seeing Jesus, coming up victorious from Edom. Jesus’ garment stained with blood, striding with powerful mighty strides. Isaiah knew Jesus as the lamb (Isaiah 53). Now Jesus is coming back as the righteous judge, the lion (Isaiah 63).
• In Revelation, the scroll Jesus has is Jesus’ plan for making everything right. Every single human being will stand before Jesus and give an account for all the wrongs they committed. We need that scroll. Revelation 5:5-6. The elder says behold the lion, but John sees a lamb!
• God is a God of love, but He is not a weak God! He is the righteous judge. Isaiah 63:4, Proverbs 6:34…uses the same word, “day of vengeance”
• If you accepted Jesus as God of your heart, He is not judging you, He is judging for you. When He heals us, He is judging sickness on our behalf. When you are dealing with the sin, bring it to the judge, who will judge the sin for you. We’re so terrified that God is waiting to drop the hammer on us, we’ve forgotten Jesus as the judge. Jesus says, you can forget what happened, because I never will. Either Jesus will pay, or that person will pay. When Shelley learned that, she was able to forgive her abuser.
• Paul told the church, fix your eyes on the one who is coming with vengeance. Isaiah 42 says he will not grow weary in bringing judgment. Until she knew Jesus loved justice like that, she could not leave her case of unforgiveness with him.
• Last stronghold: Area of self-worth. Jeremiah 23 — when you water down the word of the Lord, and strengthen the words of the wicked, it makes the people worthless. How many people feel worthless in their own heart? Jeremiah 23:16-17
• Jesus is a jealous God. “You touched my bride?!” “You are worth fighting for” He is a righteous judge.
• If Jesus is returning soon, this generation needs to know their judge, because unprecedented suffering is about to come. You need to know the judge in that hour. You  can’t just read it in the book, but it needs to be in your heart.

Appearances can be deceptive

I feel like I’ve written about this before. Anyway, I hope people can bear with me while I write some more about it. I was talking to some friends the other day, and I told them that I had had a hard day, and that I spent most of the day annoyed at various things. They looked at me, and expressed surprise. “But it didn’t look like you were annoyed.”

I think I’ve gotten very good at hiding the things I’m feeling, and the thoughts I have. I can hide pain, I can hide sorrow, I can hide anger, I can hide doubt, and I can hide a bunch of things if I work at it. At the same time, I know that some people look at me and see someone good,  because I know I look at some people, and see them as saints, too. But we can’t really play that game with God. For God, the disguises we put on to cover our sins don’t really work. It’s kind of crazy, when I think about it. When He looks at me, He can see everything on the outside, but He can see everything on the inside, too, at that same instant. It’s not like He has to work to do that, either, as if He has to work to pierce through the fig leaves we use to cover ourselves. He just sees it, which explains why Jesus called out the Pharisees a lot. This is why he said that thinking lustful thoughts was like committing adultery with someone. We’re shocked when we hear this, or we should be, but if we could see into people like God could, then we wouldn’t be as shocked. I’ve learned this year that I am not as patient as I think I am, and that I can be vindictive, too. There were lots of times where I had to let go of rage and anger, and focus on God, and then pray, knowing that if I held onto that anger, nothing good would come out of it. Love comes naturally to me when people love me, but when someone hurts me, it’s a lot harder for me to forgive. In the end, pride is a lie, a lie that tells you that you’re good and you’re fine, when God can see all the problems you have.

But even through all that, I struggle. I know now that everyone has the same need for God. There is no people group, no community, and no person that needs God more than anyone else. And I know also that God shows us all this, not to beat us up, but to help us rely on Him, to help us trust in Him, and to help us repent. But I think it’s also a reminder for me, because I know that the people closest to me in my life know I’m a Christian. But if I’m not careful, it just becomes another part of my identity. My friends back home, for example, might know I’m a Christian, because I go to church, or something. They might know me as a New Yorker, born in Hong Kong, going to school in Tufts, studying International Relations, and is coincidentally Christian. But God is so much deeper than that. He’s everything to me, and I have to understand that while people unfortunately can’t look past appearances, God does. And what makes me His isn’t the fact that I am able to spit a few phrases out, or memorize scripture. It’s the heart that matters more to God, no matter how polished we can look outside.

Obligatory Christmas post

I’ve been thinking (okay that’s unsurprising…I realized today that sometimes I can think about the most random things to preoccupy myself). On birthdays, we usually give gifts to celebrate someone’s birthday. But Christmas is really about celebrating Jesus’ birthday, even if He wasn’t born on that day. I guess it’s more of a day to celebrate God’s gift to us, how He came down for us. We celebrate Christmas the day Christ was born, but we don’t celebrate it in the same way we celebrate the birthdays of our family members, or our closest friends. We remember that He came to die, and die in a gruesome and horrible manner at that. Sometimes, it’s not easy for us to look at the cross, because it reflects how we really are as people. We like to see ourselves as good people, but the cross tells us something more about ourselves. It tells us that someone really really really good, better than I could ever know, had to pay the price so I could go free. And Christmas tells me that someone really really good, better than I could ever know or be, loved me enough to pay that price. That’s the gift.

 

First love

The other day, I was reading a book called “They Speak with Other Tongues” by John Sherrill, and I realized that this book really spoke into something that I was feeling lately (you can check the book page…Anisha has inspired me to edit my book page, but it’s still a work in progress). I’ve been thinking lately, and I’m really wary about playing church. I’m talking about what Christianity has been made into today. We read our bibles, pray every day, go to our weekly church services, do some good works, and then feel satisfied. Except…I’m not satisfied. I think the point of following God is that He promises something so much greater than what we can get in real life. He’s the living water. When He says, “Follow Me,” people listen, and then follow, because He has something more to offer. The kingdom of God is like that pearl that a merchant discovered in a field, so he buried that pearl, sold everything he had, and joyfully bought the field so that he could have that pearl. And today, there are so many things that the world can offer to a person. It’s not all sin, either. Anything the world offers can lead to sin. All you have to do is take something good and make it into an idol, and then it becomes sin. To be honest, if Jesus weren’t alive, why the heck would I be a Christian? I think that’s why the baptism of the Holy Ghost is so important. I’ve avoided talking about it in the past, maybe because people get freaked out or don’t understand, but I am so convinced about how important it is to be filled with God, all the time, every day. It’s not enough to be convinced about God’s existence in our minds. I love apologetics (and I really do), but even knowing apologetics doesn’t compare to meeting God in that way. We need to meet God, hunger for Him, turn to Him everyday, remain in His love. I need to. I need to so, so, so much. I can’t even tell you how much I need to, but I am tired, and it’s only God who satisfies. Lord, help me return to my first love, God.

Okay…so I’m always serious, so taking a break!

After Tufts

 ²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[e]?

²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Well, I asked everyone to pray for me about my decision to go to China, so I guess I should make a post about the aftermath. I’ve decided to say yes to the Teach For China offer, which means I’m going to China, where I’m going to be teaching English in a rural area for two years. It was really scary making this type of decision, and sometimes I look ahead to next July and realize I’m still afraid about what I’ve chosen to do. I’m coming to the end of my time here at Tufts, and I think I just realize how unprepared I am for everything. To be honest, I’m not prepared to leave home, leave my friends, leave my school, leave my routine, leave my technology, and leave my life as Wai the college student behind. But maybe, that’s why it’s good for me to do this. When I go, it’s just going to be me and God again, and that’s how it has to be. I can’t afford to depend on anything else as my rock. And as I think about my decision, I realize that God has given me one of the desires of my heart: the ability to leave this country, go to a place I’m completely unfamiliar with, and have to trust Him fully as I do so. This is what I’ve wanted all along, and yet, I’m so unsure of myself. I taught English once in Uganda, to a room of thirty students, but I could speak in English when I did so. I am afraid…afraid that being American, but looking Chinese will hold me back in China. And I’m afraid of failing. How many students am I going to have a chance to serve and give to? And conversely, what if I fail them? There are so many things that can go wrong, but the one thing that I notice about all these questions I have is that they all point to me, me, and me, instead of Him, Him, and Him. I spoke to a Christian who was serving in China the other day through the same program, and he told me that he was teaching dozens of students at a time. But he also told me that serving in China was something he did not regret doing, and that it was something that changed him as a person, even though he had only been teaching for a few months. In the end, I don’t think this is something I’m going to regret doing. I only have one life, and if there’s a time where I can give up two years of my life, to grow and to love, it’s now. I don’t know what I’m going to be doing after that. Not everyone is called overseas to serve, but I feel like if this is a path I want to go down, Teach For China represents that first step for me. In the end, it’s me and Jesus, and that’s what I wanted in the first place. God, I don’t know what the future holds for me, but as long as I’m in Your hands, I know I’ll be fine.